back to... home school?

All the feels.

​I have felt them lately. Every single one. 

Much like everyone else in the world right now, 2020 has thrown us the wackiest of curve balls. We've lost a lot at the hand of this virus. 

My daughter's 6th grade graduation.
Said 6th grader's end-of-the-year field trips.
My own graduation. 
An entire season of softball.
Right on down to the end of the school year last year.

And I've been so bitter about it all.

And now, as fall rolls in, schools across the country are going back to school...
Virtually. 

My oldest daughter has lost out on her first year of middle school.
My youngest daughter has lost out on her first year of school - pre-K.
My middle daughter - the social butterfly - misses her friends. 
I had to walk away from my job to stay home with said children. 
Only one of said children (the youngest) was actually able to have a birthday party this year.
They've missed out on parties. 
And soccer is starting. But we are not playing this year.

As an education major, this whole home school thing is a nightmare. Teachers, parents, and students everywhere are stressed out, maxed out, and stretched thin. 

This back to school season feels so... wrong. Nobody seems to know what is right, what is safe, or what direction to move in. As a self-proclaimed extreme planner, this whole situation is my biggest fear. Even bigger than the boogie man in the closet. 

I. CAN'T. PLAN. A. SINGLE. THING.

And boy have I felt every single emotion possible.

Anger over the things we've lost.
Defeat over the things we can get back. 
Anguish over the things that have changed. 
Acceptance of a "new normal".
Fear over this crazy world. 
Sadness over the loss of experiences.
Panic over the inability to plan. 
Anxiety over the plans I had laid out that changed. 
Depression from not seeing anyone. Ever. 
Concern for the health of my parents and loved ones. 
Happiness for the time I've gained with my family. 
Stress from making decisions. SO. MANY. DECISIONS. 
Desire for normal to come back. And COVID to go away. 

If this season of life has taught me nothing else, I have definitely learned that my planning nature is toxic. It does not matter how much I plan my life out, if it is not God's will, it will not come to be. Period. We had so many things planned out and things we looked forward to that now will not happen. 

Middle school.
Pre-School.
Softball.
Soccer. 
Birthday celebrations. 
Family reunions.
Summer vacations.
Graduations.

Literally everything is canceled. Rescheduled. On hold. In limbo. Up in the air. No one knows what it is the "right" decision.
Except God. 

He knows what we need and when we need it. He is never early, never late. 
And somehow, I can't help but feel like we all needed this reset of the mindset. As frustrating as it is, God knew we needed to reevaluate our lives. Most of us run around like headless chickens, day in day out, never finishing the rat race.

But God. 
He knew we needed a slow-down and He knew we weren't going to take it without a little force. 

All these emotions are normal, mama. You are not alone. It is scary. But it will be ok. 
Have confidence that God's got this. 

"I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33